


Live Forever II: One

by TaMeaut



Series: Live Forever [2]
Category: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 13:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaMeaut/pseuds/TaMeaut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens after you have given that one thing, only you can give? How does someone receive such a precious gift without changing altogether? And why is it that only when something has been taken from us do we learn to truly appreciate it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Live Forever II: One

**Title** : Live Forever II: One  
 **Series** : Sungkyunkwan Scandal  
 **Soundtrack** : One – Epik High  
 **Spoilers** : -  
 **Time frame** : -  
 **Summary** : What happens after you have given that one thing, only you can give? How does someone receive such a precious gift without changing altogether? And why is it that only when something has been taken from us do we learn to truly appreciate it?  
 **Excerpt** : “ _Jae Shin's hand went back to the arrow. This arrow had had Jae Shins name on it until Yong Ha had stepped between and changed certain fate ...and how he wished that Yong Ha wouldn't have done that._ ”  
 **Pairings** : Moon Jae Shin/Gu Yong Ha  
 **Word count** : ~8700  
 **Rating** : T (angst, fluff)  
 **Warning** :  
 **Other** : This is the sequel to “Live Forever”, which I hadn't planned to write in the beginning.  
 **Thanks** : To YoonHee, and Anonymous, who thought is was just too sad to to have “Live Forever” end like it did and provided me with the outline.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

” _Wounds, when you cry  
scars, though you try  
and tears, say goodbye, pouring out  
time is ticking_

 _Having wandered through death, I'll save you  
You are the one_ ”

 

“Yong...Ha?”

“Yong Ha...?”

“What are you doing here, eh?...”

“You can't just lie here, you will get your coat dirty...”

“Yong Ha?”

“Why did you do that for, eh?”

“Haven't I always said that no one will touch a hair on my body?”

“So why...why did you do that for?”

“Yong...Ha?”

No matter how many times Jae Shin whispered his name Yong Ha was not replying. Instead a cold suppressing silence filled the dark night and Yong Ha's body was limp and heavy in Jae Shins arms as he kept pressing him desperately to his chest. Every now and then the dark alley would be illuminated by the rain of stars that kept falling over the sky and every time Yong Ha's stark white face and blood tainted lips would reflect the light in an alarmingly eerie way. Jae Shin brought his bloody hand up to touch Yong Ha's cheek leaving a smudged red trail in its wake.

“Yong Ha?”

“Yeorim?”

“...please...”

The trembling hand went down to trace the arrow that was so viciously lodged in Yong Ha's chest. He knew this type far too well, the feathers and shaft markings giving it away. He had already pulled one or two from his own flesh, but it had never been this bad. Never this bad.  
The sheer power of the hit had made the arrow penetrate all the way through Yong Ha's chest and Jae Shin could feel how the tip was sticking out on Yong Ha's back, right where Jae Shin was grasping him. As he deliberately traced the lethally sharp metal with his fingers, imagining how it must have felt as it had drilled its way through Yong Ha's body, his eyes filled with unshed tears blurring Yong Ha's lifeless face. His hand again traced the shaft of the arrow down to where it met flesh and the canary yellow coat that Jae Shin loved so much on Yong Ha. It had now turned a darker shade of orange and the silk squeaked with moisture as his fingers glided over it.

“Yong Ha?”

“This isn't like you...just look at your coat...all destroyed...”

“Yong Ha...please wake up...”

“I will do anything you want...so please...” Jae Shin could almost hear Yong Ha's laughing reply to such a plead.  
“Anything, eh? Oh, Goel Oh, Goel Oh...You really have put yourself in a fix this time. Promising me anything, Ha Ha Ha! You better brace up, for I, Gu Yong Ha, will take your word for it.” and then Yong Ha would tap him on the head with his luxurious fan and throw his arm around Jae Shin, still laughing.

Yet when he looked on Yong Ha's face there was no reply, no laughter, no taunting remarks. Yong Ha was perfectly deathly still, just like the deep night. Jae Shin realised that he had never before seen Yong Ha like this. So lifeless, so without that blinding light of life that Jae Shin unknowingly had become so dependent on for his own survival. Yes, light was the word Jae Shin thought, for it was something Yong Ha possessed even deeply asleep. How many nights had not Jae Shin sat awake watching Yong Ha sleep, so peacefully and so comforting. Before he had known it, the presence of Yong Ha had become an alarmingly addictive habit, yet he had always refused to acknowledge it. He had refused to accept the importance of that light and now it was no more anywhere to be found, just like a glowing lantern in the deepest midnight suddenly snuffed out. Jae Shin felt lost, deprived of his path, robbed of something meaningful...something...of utmost importance...

“Yong Ha, this doesn't suit you at all, please...just wake up.”

“I promise...anything you want...” Still no reply, no glistening eyes seeing right through him, no pouty lips breathing secrets in his ear, no ruffling of silk brushing past him. Jae Shin again stroked the arrow with his fingers, as if he couldn't help himself. This arrow had had Jae Shin's name on it until Yong Ha had stepped between and changed fate...and how he wished that Yong Ha wouldn't have done that.

“Why did you do that, Yong Ha, why...why...why” Jae Shin pressed Yong Ha's lifeless body even closer as he started sobbing, not being able to hold back his grief anymore. The pain coursing through his body could just as well have been the arrow lodged in Yong Ha, for he had never felt anything like it. Not even when his brother had died, not even as he ran the dark streets distributing notes, not even facing his father. No this pain, this hurt was far more deep. Like a river suddenly disappearing into a mountain, flowing ever steadily to the darkest core of Earth, this agony was lasting, crushing...mauling. The importance of Yong Ha in his life had suddenly revealed itself in the most horrifying way and Jae shin felt the fool for not realising earlier.

He just hadn't known it until now.

A life without Yong Ha had just never occurred to him, as if Yong Ha was such an unknown part of him that he somewhere deep inside had never separated them.

He just hadn't known...until now.

How was it possible that such a thing, such an important thing had never occurred to him? Why had he never realised it before? And why had he never told Yong Ha? He had to tell Yong Ha...

“Yong Ha...you cannot leave me...”

“...I still have something to say...I still...”

“Yong Ha, please open your eyes...”

“You cannot leave...for I have something to say...”

For every moment without reply Jae Shin's felt as if someone had reached into his heart and grasped it in a grip that was pressing out all the blood, just like a sponge. It hurt so much his breathing could only come in short gasps and to sooth it just a little he clasped Yong Ha even closer, his hand pressing painfully hard on the sharp shard in Yong Ha's back. It didn't matter to Jae Shin, that small pain was nothing to the excruciating suffering he felt at the notion that Yong Ha might not be in this World anymore.

“you cannot leave me...anything..I will give...” yet further Jae Shin never had to plead, for as if Death himself had heard his desperate cries and taken pity on him, or was it a miracle induced by the myriad of falling stars? Or maybe it was the relentless pressure Jae Shin had put on the arrowhead, for Yong Ha unexpectedly gave a out a choked cough splattering blood over Jae Shins neck where he was nuzzled so dearly. The abrupt sound and the warm blood now trailing Jae Shins collarbone made his teary eyes widen in shock and his heart stopped for a second.

“Yong Ha!!” Another small cough confirmed what Jae Shin had wished for so desperately but thought he would never have gotten. Jae Shin pressed Yong Ha ever so gently to his ear and listened intently. There it was, it was nearly inaudible but to Jae Shin it meant the World. The shallow shaky breath of Yong Ha heralding the unbelievable notion that despite the arrow lodged in his chest, despite the severe blood loss, despite Jae Shin's rough ministrations, Yong Ha was alive.

Alive!

As he kept listening to those wondrous small inhales and exhales, the most beautiful words where singing inside of Jae Shin. Yong Ha isn't dead! He isn't dead! My Yong Ha is still alive!  
And he will stay alive. The grim resolution of Jae Shin would have no counterpart in fierceness. Without losing a second and using every ounce of his strength, Jae Shin gently gathered Yong Ha in his arms, being careful not to touch the protruding arrow, and then he started running.

With his heart beating away. With his mind going wild.  
He ran as fast as the hope was spreading inside him.

For each second passing he could feel Yong Ha going colder and colder and himself going damper, as his garments were soaking up Yong Ha's blood, and when he finally reached the infirmary he was drenched, both in panicked sweat from the sprint and the life of his very best friend.

“DOCTOR!” As he violently kicked in the doors of the infirmary and called out for the Doctor, he made such a grim look, all bloody and fierce, that the Doctor, who had just made himself a hot cup of tea, leaped up in terror of the bandits attacking him. But as soon as he saw what Jae Shin was carrying in his arms his trained instincts took over automatically and he started treating Yong Ha with a seldom seen professionalism, not even bothering to ask how this had come to pass.

After carefully putting Yong Ha on the treating table and letting the Doctor take over, Jae Shin took two steps back and then collapsed like a wet blanket on the floor, his legs no longer sustaining him. The miraculous power he had gained from knowing Yong Ha was still alive had left him now and all he could do was to watch the Doctor's nimble hands take care of Yong Ha's lethal wound, as his mind was silently repeating the same phrase over and over again as if it was a mantra that was the only thing holding Yong Ha to this World..

“Let him live...Let him live...please...Let him live.”

\---

“Hey, you....”

“You, you on the floor...You look like a strong fellow. I need your help.” At first he hadn't heard the Doctor calling for him but a soft shake on his shoulder brought him back from the cloudy fatigue that was filling his mind.  
“Your friend needs your help...Here let me help you up.” Jae Shin felt like a washed out garment as the Doctor helped him up, as if someone had pounded out all the colours with the water.  
“We need to get the arrow out...or he won't live.”

The words brought Jae Shin straight back to reality. This he could do and he almost felt relieved to be able to do something for Yong Ha. Something tangible, instead of being left to the side with his mind going wild in speculations.  
“What do you need me for?”

“I will sit him up, then you break of the arrow in front and pull it out in the back. We cannot do it the opposite way for the arrowhead would aggravate the wound and make it worse. He has already lost much blood.” Jae Shin could only acknowledge the instructions with a nod as the thought of pulling the thick shaft of the arrow through Yong Ha's flesh made him lightly nauseous. When had he become this squeamish? Hadn't he done the same thing on himself several times? Why was it that the same idea on Yong Ha was so sickening?

The Doctor had carefully undressed Yong Ha to his pants, meticulously cutting away the yellow and white silk around the wound to be able to remove the vest and the undergarments. It looked almost obscene with the menacing arrow protruding from Yong Ha's chest and the blood pooling around it, staining Yong Ha's flawless white skin. Yong Ha's face looked serene in his forced unconsciousness as the blood had been wiped from his mouth and Jae Shin almost thought that any minute now Yong Ha would open his eyes, sit up and tell him this was all a joke and then say something implicating about what Jae Shin had said in the alley. Yet he made no sounds nor movements, and in Jae Shin's eyes he mostly resembled a broken doll, as the Doctor grabbed him and put him up in a sitting position against his arms.  
“Now do what I said.”

“Mmm...” Jae Shin grabbed the arrow with both his hands and with a silent prayer on repeat in his mind he focused all the power he had and with a loud bang he broke of the arrow in a clean cut. Finding himself holding the broken piece of the arrow he realised that his hands were shaking, badly.  
Yong Ha had made no movements or even a sound during the entire procedure and Jae Shin thanked whatever Gods possible for it, but then he focused again for they weren't finished yet. The worst part was still to come.  
Jae Shin put down the arrow-end on the bed and with one hand he grabbed Yong Ha's shoulder as he traced the sharp arrow head in Yong Ha's back, with his other hand. He would have to get a good grip to be able to pull it out in one go, so he took his time feeling the outline of the metal. Finally he put two fingers behind the hooks of the arrowhead and closed his hand over the entire shard. His other hand was now grasping Yong Ha's shoulder in a bruising grip in anticipation of what he was going to do.

Then he took a deep breath and pulled for all he was worth, praying feverishly that Yong Ha would not feel this. But his prayer went unanswered for as soon as Jae Shin started pulling Yong Ha gave out a wet cough, making bile rise in Jae Shin's mouth, and the Doctors arm was splattered with blood just like how Jae Shin's neck had been before. Jae Shin was both nauseous and alarmed by this and he almost stopped pulling if it hadn't been for the Doctor's shout.  
“Don't stop! Keep pulling...”

Just moments later the arrow released with a sickening slopping sound of tearing flesh and Jae Shin found himself victoriously standing with the rests of the arrow in his hand and a bitter taste in his mouth. He let out his breath, realising that he had held it the entire time and again he could feel the shakes, although this time it wasn’t just his hands but his entire body, no even his very soul that was shaking.  
Yong Ha had made no more moves to cough but as the Doctor gently laid him down again and turned around to fetch the things he would need to clean and dress the wound, Jae Shin's gut churned at the sight of the blood staining Yong Ha's lips and the rivulet of blood that had escaped down the side of his mouth from the cough. Taking the sleeve of his vest he found himself gently wiping Yong Ha's chin but he embarrassedly stopped, letting his hand drop to his side, as the Doctor came back giving him a quizzical look.

Instead he staggered on shaky legs to the closest chair and inelegantly flopped down on it. Not until he was sitting down did he realise that he was still holding the broken piece of arrow that he had pulled out of Yong Ha in his hand. As he opened his hand, still grasping the arrowhead in a dead man's grip, he realised that he had held it so hard that the arrow had burrowed deeply into the palm of his hand, drawing blood.  
Curiously enough he hadn't felt a thing while doing it but now the wound had started throbbing in pace with his heart. An irregular hammering against his ribs making him short of breath and slightly lightheaded and distantly he smiled at the very idea of their bloods mingling like this. Yong Ha inside himself.

Bringing up his sleeve to habitual wipe the blood of his hand, he distantly noted it was already stained, by Yong Ha's blood that he had wiped just moments ago. Those plump lips stained with blood were haunting him, surfacing a memory he didn't want to acknowledge, a memory from another time and place but of the very same plump lips. That time, too, they had been stained with blood. And by Jae Shin’s very own hand.

**“What the heck did you do, you bastard!”**

He had been so angry with the idea of Yong Ha playing with everyone's emotions like that and sending Sun Joon and Yoon Shik alone to that island. When he had seen Yong Ha's smile at Jae Shin's distress, his body had reacted before his mind and before he knew it he had struck Yong Ha so hard he had hit the wooden planks.

He had deeply regretted it as soon as he had seen Yong Ha's eyes, as he looked up at Jae Shin and traced his bloody lip with his thumb. Even though Yong Ha had kept his smile something else had taken over his eyes. Something...deep and...hidden, something sad...and withheld. But that time Jae Shin had been to upset to take note, all he had seen was that smile.

 **“You're laughing? How is that everything is a joke to you? Is everything easy and fun to you?”** Now, those words were burning him as he repeated them in his head. He had spitted those words at Yong Ha knowing they would hurt him, and they had. It was almost as if he had hit Yong Ha physically, again, for he could see Yong Ha's eyes, though not his body, flinch. Jae Shin had felt it too, a deep ache somewhere behind his ribs as if someone had hit Jae Shin too.  
However, Despite being beaten bloody over such a small matter, Yong Ha had taken his responsibility without complaining or mentioning the reasons for Jae Shin's actions, even once.

Jae Shin could still feel Yong Ha's warm breath against his ear and that cold hand touching his cheek.  
 **“Geol Oh, I...I'm on your side no matter what.”**

As Yong Ha had left in search for a boat, Jae Shin had found his ear all hot and his heart beating hard against his ribs for no good reason at all. Jae Shin had always wondered about that. As if there was some secret Yong Ha had, that he, and only he, could move Jae Shin with just a word.

..something...special.

Still today Jae Shin regretted every word he had spoken then, violently, but he had never gotten the chance to properly apologize to Yong Ha for it. He had also never really tried since Yong Ha hadn't said anything after that. In fact Yong Ha had never made Jae Shin face any of the mistreatments Jae Shin put him through. He just took everything with a smile and that look in his eyes.

Still it was haunting...that look in Yong Ha's eyes and those blood stained lips.

\---

Yong Ha was in a world of agonising all-consuming pain as he was thrashing in his fever. This had to be Hell, he randomly thought in his feverish mind, because his chest burnt, his body burnt and his heart burnt with Hell's fire. Even the blood in his veins seemed to have turned to liquid metal by the heat. Fragments of Jae Shin was flashing in his mind; Jae Shin silently sniggering at one of Yong Ha's silly remarks, Jae Shin sitting in his tree drinking and contemplating, Jae Shin secretly wrapping a wound when he thought no one was watching, Jae Shin dressed as the “Red Messenger” flashing past him on the street holding his bleeding arm, Jae Shin turning around looking past Yong Ha to the man holding a drawn bow, the image of something cold and vicious pointed at Jae Shin, the unmistakeable sound of metal hitting flesh and bone. Pain. Breathless...choking...

_“To give...your life...for what...you believe...in.”_

Of all the memory shards tormenting him it was the last one that seemed to mean something important. Far, far away in his mind there was something he should know but for some unknown reason it was obscured, no matter how much he tried to press it. Then suddenly his mind exploded in recognition and he sat straight up with a panicked look in his feverish face, his glossy eyes not seeing anything but his nightmares.

“Watch out! Jae Shin....the arrow! Jae Shin....run away...You cannot do this!...Stop it!...Jae Shin?...Jae Shin is hurt...I need to go...Jae Shin is hurt...the arrow....” Yong Ha kept on raving completely oblivious to anything, and it required the weight of both Jae Shin and the Doctor to force him to lie again. Yong Ha's obvious distress about Jae Shin's own person was a torment to Jae Shin who was already worried out of his mind. Just the fact that Yong Ha was calling him by his real name and not his nickname made his heart squeeze painfully.

“Yong Ha, I am right here. I am fine! I am not hurt, see I am fine...” Persisting with his comforting, Yong Ha finally calmed down enough for Jae Shin to be able to let go of the powerful grip he had used to hold him down. The Doctor sighed and started redressing the wound since Yong Ha's sudden movements had reopened it.  
“You will need to keep holding him still if he does the same thing again. It is vital for him surviving the night that his wound does not open again.” The Doctor informed Jae Shin.

Yong Ha had lost lots of blood and he had a dangerously high fever so when the Doctor was finished with the wound Jae Shin kept by Yong Ha's side to cool his face with a wet rag. As he slowly let the fabric trace Yong Ha's oval face Yong Ha started talking in his fever again, but this time in a barely audible whisper and Jae Shin had to lean in to hear exactly what Yong Ha was saying.

“Jae Shin, forgive me...forgive me....please...Jae Shin...I will never do that again, so please forgive me....” The distressed words of Yong Ha sent waves of pains to Jae Shins already abused heart.  
“Yong Ha, I am here but what is there to forgive?”

“Forgive me...I know how important...he is to you...I promise....I will never say that...again...forgive me, Jae Shin...please forgive me...” Jae Shin was worried out of his mind for his friend. This wasn't like the Yong Ha he knew, the smiling, teasing Yong Ha that was always fluttering around him. That Yong Ha would never beg forgiveness like this, he would get mad and retaliate. Gu Yong Ha would never beg.  
Jae Shin didn't even know what Yong Ha was apologizing for, but it seemed to be important to him. Important enough to...Suddenly Yong Ha started thrashing again calling out for Jae Shin.

Again trying to comfort Yong Ha with words Jae Shin, seeing that they were not helping at all, recalled what the Doctor had said earlier. So in order to keep Yong Ha still he did the first thing that came to his mind. He put his arms around Yong Ha and held him forcibly in his warm embrace, letting his warmth slip through the layers of clothing. At first it was like holding a newly caught fish thrashing in his arms and Jae Shin was lethally afraid that he would hold Yong Ha too hard and hurt him, but then Yong Ha calmed down a little and a random thought hit Jae Shin. That this was the first time he held Yong Ha for real, out of his own accord. It was a peculiar thought but he guessed at times like these nothing makes sense anyway. It was strange holding Yong Ha like this, but as Yong Ha calmed down, Jae Shin realised that it felt comforting somehow, it felt good. As if Yong Ha fit right into his arms.

...as if he always had.

\---

For Yong Ha, the world of pain he was living in had suddenly and unexpected been replaced by a world of sheer bliss. He was completely sure he had died and for some peculiar reason he could not explain, he had gone to Paradise instead of Hell. For Jae Shin, his Jae Shin who never ever touched him out of own accord and who always threw him off at every slight touch, was holding him so gently in his warm strong arms. It felt so real it was making him breathless...Yes, now he was convinced he had died. For Jae Shin would never, ever do such a thing.

Then, maybe it wasn't so horrible to die after all if he could spend eternity being held like this. Moon Jae Shin, Jae Shin...the name was singing in his mind yet the thought filled his eyes with tears.  
If I am dead then I will never see him again...never.... Wish, I so wish...I never told him how much he means to me...wish I had told him....

And with that last thought his mind surfaced to fragile consciousness.

\---

Jae Shin, who had at first been comforted by Yong Ha calming down in his arms, saw to his horror that Yong Ha's eyelashes were starting to well up with tears, but before he had the time to even think about it Yong Ha opened his black eyes and looked straight at Jae Shin, leaving the tears to run freely.

Yong Ha, barely hanging on to his consciousness was slowly focusing and as he saw the face he had been searching for in his nightmares, right in front of him, he brought up his hand to slowly touch Jae Shins face with the fingertips in such a tenderness that Jae Shin could barely breath.

“forgive me Jae Shin...I know your brother...means everything...to you...so please forgive me for...what I said...just that as your brother means everything...to you....you...mean everything to me..yes, you are my...life...and I was afraid...please forgive m...” Then Yong Ha's eyes lost their focus, his head falling back as his entire body suddenly went limp in Jae Shin's arms while the hand that had rested on Jae Shins cheek slipped down on the bed with a thump, lifeless.

It was the single most terrifying moment of Moon Jae Shin's life, a moment he would come to remember just as vividly many, many years from now.

What had Yong Ha just said? Jae Shin wasn't sure he had heard right for he had been transfixed on Yong Ha's eyes. He could only gasp in horror as Yong Ha went all lifeless, his words swirling in Jae Shin's mind.

“Yong Ha! Yong Ha! What do you mean by that? Yong Ha!! YONG HA!” Jae Shins heart surely stopped as he was gently shaking Yong Ha for any signs of life. Yong Ha could not be dead. Not now. It was just too cruel.

“Yong Ha, don't you die on me, don't you die! I am right here, I am here..YONG HA!”

At the sound of Jae Shin's panicked voice the Doctor came rushing, and after checking Yong Ha thoroughly for several minutes he breathed out a sigh of relief. Yong Ha was alive, although barely, and after ensuring the horror stricken Jae Shin at least three times that Yong Ha was surviving, he went back to preparing the medicines he knew the patient would later need. He shook his head recalling the panicked reaction of the young man at the patients side. He looked like a mountain bandit but surely someone who loves his friend this much could not be a bad person, despite the fact that clinic would now need new front doors. The Doctor sighed and threw a glance at what was now just a pile of wood and paper after Jae Shin had kicked it in. However, it seemed a petty thing to voice now. After all, was not love the only thing that really mattered in this world?

After the Doctor's reassurance Jae Shin sat down at the wooden table with his head in his hands and wept silently. He couldn't stop the river of tears, they just kept coming as from an endless source. He felt exhausted mentally and physically. Why had this happened? Would Yong Ha really recover? Why had Yong Ha stepped out like that? What had he meant with those words?

“ _...I was afraid..._ ” Could it be that Yong Ha was remembering that night when Jae Shin had gone out to save his dead brothers esteem by walking into a known trap?  
He felt his heart wringing in pain as he remembered that fateful night and how Yong Ha had first argued and then pleaded with him not to go.

**“Then, did you think I wouldn’t know? Did you see me as an idiot who can’t even recognize his decade-long friend’s writing? Me? Don’t go. Aren’t you afraid? You could die!”**

**“Afraid? Why should I be afraid? Living is not any more fun.”**

**“If being alive is worth no more than death, then what am I to you who’s by your side? Go! Go… live as you wish… And get lost!“**

**“Then…you want me to just sit around and watch as the truth that my brother gave his life for… gets forgotten as that of a thief and a murderer? In front of my own eyes, and moreover, because of me! Is living like that a life at all? Don’t worry, Gu Yong Ha. I won’t let them touch a hair on my head, and will come back safely.”**

Jae Shin could still see those tears filling Yong Ha's eyes only to release unashamedly down his cheeks as the words Jae Shin had thrown at him had revealed how much more his dead brother meant to him than Yong Ha. Jae Shin already knew that he had inevitably wounded Yong Ha in the most cruel way possible and as soon as he had said them he had wished to take them back, for the look in Yong Ha's eyes was making his heart clench in a puzzlingly painful way. That time too he had regretted it as soon as he had said it, and he also had never gotten the chance to apologize to Yong Ha afterwards.

_“...then what am I to you...”_

Jae Shin was slowly starting to realise how staggeringly much he owed the pale figure on the bed, and he wished he had been able to apologise at least once to Yong Ha, for his derelict actions. Instead he now found himself with a Yong Ha who had just saved him from certain death by taking an arrow meant for him and still trying to apologize for trying to come between Jae Shin and his beloved dead brother. It was heartbreaking and Jae Shin felt very much the culprit. It was all his fault, all of it. If Jae Shin hadn't fixated on his dead brother, then he would never have become the “Red Messenger”, then he wouldn't have hurt Yong Ha with his words that night and Yong Ha would never have had to step between Jae Shin and death like that. Yes, it was undoubtedly his fault and how he wished he could undo it.

He wished it so bad that he thought he would die from the pain in his heart, for finding the bleak unconscious Yong Ha in a pool of his own blood in the narrow alley, he had realised that the scales of importance had long since tipped over in favour for Yong Ha, over his dead brother and without Jae Shin even realising it.

_“...then what am I to you...”_

Until now.

It struck him such a clarity that he couldn't seize to wonder why he hadn’t seen it before.  
His brother was no longer in this World and all the memories he had were just that, memories. They could never measure up to the living, and Yong Ha was alive. He was so alive that Jae Shin felt alive too, by just being close to him. Yong Ha was a defrosting spring to Jae Shin’s long emotionally cold winter.

Images of Yong Ha was dancing in his mind. The way he was usually prancing about Jae Shin telling him about everything that was happening and all the peoples secrets. How Yong Ha threw his hands around Jae Shins neck or when he grabbed his arm for some obscure reason every now and then, something Jae Shin secretly relished. How sometimes he got absorbed in the forever night of Yong Ha's onyx eyes, loosing the words he was going to say next. Jae Shin loved Yong Ha's infectious laughter and his mischievous smile yet sometimes that smile faltered when he thought Jae Shin wasn't watching and something else would then take over his eyes. Something deep and hidden, something sad and withheld.  
Jae Shin had always wondered about that. As if there was some secret Yong Ha had, he couldn't share with Jae Shin...something...and then realisation hit him.  
What had Yong Ha said in his fever induced haze? What had he said to Jae Shin?

_“you...mean everything to me...”_

It had almost sounded like a declaration...of love.

All the moments, all the words ever exchanged were slowly starting to make sense. All the times when Yong Ha's eyes had shifted, flashed in Jae Shin's mind.

**“Not for Lee Sun Joon, but for you.”**

_“...I was afraid...”_

**“It is you that I believe in, Goel Oh.”**

_“please forgive me, Jae Shin...”_

_“you are my...life...”_

\---

Could it be? Could it be that Yong Ha...? Jae Shin had troubles finishing the sentence for the implication weighed heavy on him.

**“To give your life, for what you believe in.”**

The words he knew so well and had lived by for so long were taunting him just as much as that look in Yong Ha's eyes. Could it be that Yong Ha hadn't hesitated at all to step in front of that archer? Maybe it hadn't been so much an accident as willingness? Could it be that his Yong Ha possessed as much integrity as the greatest men Jae Shin had only read about? Even more than himself, for replaying the scenario of the evening in his head he couldn't even start to imagine what kind of courage it had to take to be able to step out like that, in front of certain death, only to protect a friend. He was not even certain he would be able to do it himself.  
Yet, Yong Ha had done it, he had even winked to Jae Shin as if all was fine when he, by then, must have been slowly dying with the arrow meant for Jae Shin lodged deeply in his flesh.  
Yong Ha must have known he might die. For what? For Jae Shin?

_“To give your life....”_

_“It is you...Goel Oh, that I believe in...”_

_“...for what you believe in...”_

The impact made Jae Shin stand up so violently that the chair fell over and he felt as if the ground was moving in strange ways. It could not be true. It could not be the truth that Yong Ha willingly would give his life like that for Jae Shin. The bratty, obnoxious playboy Gu Yong Ha?

_“you...mean everything to me...”_

_“a declaration...of love....”_

Was that what it was? Yong Ha...loves me?  
Jae Shin put his hand over his furiously beating heart. Just a moment ago it had gone almost perfectly still at the very idea of loosing Yong Ha, but now, now it beat so hard he could barely breath.  
He looked over at the unconscious figure on the hospital bed. It was strange how such a small person could have such an impact in ones life, Jae Shin thought. How could an unconscious man make his heart beat like this?

Images of Yong Ha's eyes were dancing in front of Jae Shin. Yong Ha's eyes with that look that made Jae Shin's guts knot in peculiar ways. Those eyes that so masterly obscured the truth of something. Something deep and hidden, something sad and withheld.  
It knocked the breath out of Jae Shin. For that look only meant one thing and now he was sure. Shocked he kept his eyes on the still figure, took a step backwards and stumbled across the fallen over chair, landing hard on the floor. Thousand thoughts were swirling around in his confused head but only one of them seemed important. He again brought the arrow up, that he had kept in his hand, in front of his eyes. Again he could feel the pain of pulling it out of Yong Ha, almost as if it was himself that he was pulling it out from. The tip coated in Yong Ha's blood was gleaming menacingly as Jae Shin rolled it in his fingers.

_“...give your life....”_

Such a precious thing and he had almost lost it...forever.

\---

Yong Ha was slowly, slowly waking to crude reality. He tried to move his fingers but they felt boneless and it was with utmost force he managed to pry open his eyelids.

The sharp light hitting his sensitive retina sent a flash of pain through is body making him gasp out loud and then the sudden exhale made him choke as an excruciating pain radiated from his chest. In the far distance someone was calling but he couldn’t make out the words through the pain.

“...a...?”

“...Ha?”

“Yong...Ha?” The voice sounded so familiar.

“..ae...S..in...” Yong Ha's mouth was so dry it was hard to form the words.

“Yes, I am here. I am right here.”

“Yong Ha...you are awake...!”

Not only his fingers, but Yong Ha's entire body felt boneless as if someone had washed him, by pounding him relentlessly in a boiling water. Ah, water...  
“...wa...ter...p...lease...”

“Wait, I will bring some right away.” But before Jae Shin had returned with the desirable drink, Yong Ha had once again fallen deeply asleep.

Jae Shin felt so lightheaded that he had to sit down. The last three days difficult struggle to keep Yong Ha alive was traced in Jae Shins face and the enormous relief that Yong Ha had finally awoken and was past the most difficult period made Jae Shin unable to keep physically awake anymore as the weight of three days took over. Leaning into the chair and closing his eyes his body automatically shut down and he fell instantly asleep next to Yong Has bed, still with the mug of water in one hand and Yong Ha's hand in the other.

Jae Shin never even noticed when the Doctor came in and gently removed the mug in his hand and wrapped a blanket around him while silently sniggering to himself.  
“Indeed, despite your appearance you cannot be that bad, can you?”

\---

Next time Yong Ha woke up it all came back to him like an explosion in his mind, the “Red Messenger” running, the archer drawing the bow, absolute fear, the arrow hitting with a dull thud, blinding pain, brown eyes, falling stars...His mind was confused after that, but now the first coherent thought in his head was not about about him but someone else.

“Jae Shin!”Yong Ha cried out as he bolted up violently, the movement sending a torrent of pain through his chest. The second thought he had was that he could under no circumstance be dead if it hurt like this.

“I am here, Yong Ha.” Jae Shin was at his side within seconds pressing a firm hand on Yong Ha's shoulder forcing him lie down. Yong ha was more than willing to comply, now that he was reassured that Jae Shin was somewhat safe.

“Yong Ha, you should lie down, you have been unconscious for seven days.” The number swam in Yong Ha's mind as his chest began to throb. Seven days, it must have been serious then, he thought. He tried to feel where else he hurt but it seemed that all the pain and discomfort came from the same place in his chest. Despite the pain he was assured that at least he didn't seem to be bleeding anymore. He remembered being cold and wet as the peculiar rain of stars had littered the sky. Then he also remembered, “Red Messenger” had been bleeding from the arm.

“..Jae...Sh..in...you...hurt..?” Yong Ha managed to press out through clenched teeth while bracing for the pain that came in waves with every word. Despite feeling like a wet blanket Yong Ha was worried. Jae Shin looked tired and his voice was strange and the reply he got was more than unusual, not like Jae Shin at all. For at Yong Ha's words Jae Shin gave out a loud laughter.

“Am I hurt?....Ha Ha Ha...Am I, I hurt?” Jae Shin was so relieved that he could not stop himself from laughing.  
“Here YOU catch an arrow with MY name on it and you want to know if I am hurt? Ha Ha Ha...” Jae Shin kept laughing until his sides hurt and he had tears in his eyes, then suddenly the laughter turned to anger.

“NO, I am not fine...Don't you ever do anything like this again...I thought I was going insane...” Yong Ha was bewildered at Jae Shin's reaction. He really wasn't acting like usual but Yong Ha felt too weak to scold him so all he could do was lie there and listen to Jae Shin rant.

“I thought I had lost you...”

“You Bastard...”

“Don't you ever do something like that again! You hear...” And then suddenly he threw his arms around the flabbergasted Yong Ha and broke down sobbing.

“You bastard...what would I do without you...bastard...” Yong Ha had heard Jae Shin curse him before but not like this. He had also never seen Jae Shin cry like this and it made him hurt more than his wound. Yong Ha wanted so much to comfort Jae Shin but his arms felt like lead, so he could only lie there on the narrow bed and let himself be held.

“Jae...Sh..in...really...I am...fine..” He protested weakly but Jae Shin just kept sobbing holding him even tighter. Then again, maybe it wasn't so bad to have Goel Oh hold him for just a little while, just like this.  
Yong Ha's last thought before his mind sank into a pleasant darkness was how it was indeed funny that his last wish would now be the very first thing that greeted him back to life.  
And with a small smile on his white lips and Jae Shins warm arms wrapped around himself he again fell asleep with quiet sobs in his ears, but this time a healing sleep and not the elusive deep sleep of someone on the edge...of death.

\---

“Yong Ha!”

It was the first day that Yong Ha had been allowed to take a walk outside. He was still weak from the excessive loss of blood and fever and his face was starch white, but he was determined. He felt a dire need to go outside and to show Jae Shin that he was all better.  
He was dressed in his white under wear and because of the constriction the wound gave him, his hair had been gathered into a sloppy braid that hung down his back, making him look very young and vulnerable. He had wrinkled his nose at the idea of going out dressed like this, but just the very thought of trying to dress and tie his hair up had been exhausting, so he had let it go for this time. Still, he felt naked somehow and he most definitely didn't suit in the hairdo, it was an abomination. He secretly hoped no one would see him or his reputation would be ruined forever. He was also lamenting his favourite coat as Jae Shin had assured him that it had been impossible to salvage it. Then Jae Shin, squirming like a worm on a hook, had added, so quietly that Yong Ha almost that he thought he had imagined it  
“I will buy you a new one...Anyone you want...”

“Yong Ha!” Aish, no matter how much he loved to hear his name from the lips of Jae Shin, he had hoped to sneak out before he noticed. Jae Shin had been at Yong Ha's side the entire time during his recovery, not even leaving to sleep but preferring the wooden bench next to Yong Ha's sickbed. This was all too much to Yong Ha's pleasure and irritation, since it gave him the opportunity to watch Jae Shins peaceful face as he slept but it also made him acutely aware of their intimacy. Yong Ha felt like he was closed in, constantly surrounded by Jae Shin and left with no space to went his feelings.

For feelings he had, feelings he didn't want exposed. The incident had made him more aware than ever of his ever stronger sensibility for Jae Shin and he was terrified to be revealed. He had to watch himself all the time not to blurt out too affectionate things, to touch him without valid reasons or to look at him too long. It made him mentally exhausted as well as physically. Most of all he was frightened to death that Jae Shin would question the reason for his actions in stepping in between Jae Shin and that archer. As if he had an answer himself. All he knew was that his body had reacted before his brain, something that never ever happened to him, Gu Yong Ha. But having done so he knew he regretted nothing and that, given the opportunity, he would do it again. For deep inside Yong Ha knew. He knew that without Jae Shin, his life was worth nothing anyway. For Jae Shin was his life, and that was it.  
Not that he would ever tell him so, but Yong Ha knew, and that was enough.

What Yong Ha didn’t know was that Jae Shin could not make himself leave Yong Ha's side after his revealed feelings had surfaced. After realising how close he had come to loose Yong Ha, Jae Shin could sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in panicked sweat and with a dire need to know that Yong Ha was fine. So he had stayed by his side not knowing what else to do and before he had known it it became habit. A not so displeasing habit.

“Yong Ha! I told you to wait...”

“Aish, I can do this. You think The Gu Yong Ha need someone to hold his hand?” As soon as he had said that he almost tripped over his feet and if not for Jae Shin he would have had a nasty close encounter with the ground.

“Ahh...I see...” Jae Shin smiled, trying not to let Yong Ha see it, as his strong arms caught him and then were supporting Yong Ha as they made their way step after step. However, already after a few minutes Yong Ha was exhausted, requesting a short break. Jae Shins worried eyes scanned the pale face of Yong Ha, making him smile a faint smile.

“I am fine. Just out of shape, that's all....”

“Ah, then lets sit down here, in the shade.” They slumped against a tree and Yong Ha leaned ever so slightly on the shoulder of Jae Shin, relishing in the comfort of his strong friend. The day was warm and the breeze was gentle and Yong Ha closed his eyes revelling in the fact that he was not dead yet and that he could sit here and enjoy something so simple as this.

While Yong Ha was completely content and relaxed, Jae Shin was sitting on needles. Hesitating for a second, he didn’t really know how to start.

“Yong Ha?....”

“Mmm....”

“Why...I mean...could it be that...” Jae Shin stumbled over his words as he tried to make sense of them. In his moment of realisation everything had seemed so honestly clear: Yong Ha loved him. Jae Shin was completely sure now but he still wanted confirmation. As if he himself didn't know how to respond unless Yong Ha told him straight out. As if he needed to hear the words out loud for everything to fall into place.  
But how do you ask something like that?  
Jae Shin nervously played with his clothes as he was considering the options.

Do you really love me? - Nah, too direct, Yong Ha would make a hilarious joke out of Jae Shin for asking.

You said, in your sleep, that you loved me! - No, Yong Ha would blatantly deny it, blaming it on his high fever.

Can I hold you? - Absolutely NOT!

Where had that last thought come from? Jae Shin's hands froze in their motion as he flustered realised that did want to hold Yong Ha again. He remembered the way he had grasped Yong Ha when he had finally woken up and then it had felt good and right, but now, here in the light of day, he felt embarrassed and shy, the words stumbling over his lips.

“could it be....”

“I wanted to ask...”

“you were so sick”

“...and now...”

“you...”

“Nothing...”

”just get better...”

“but maybe...” And mustering up his courage Jae Shin turned to Yong Ha to ask him if he really did love Jae Shin like he thought, only to realise that Yong Ha had promptly fallen asleep while Jae Shin was agonising over his choice of words. Jae Shin could only gape, wordless as Yong Ha started to snore lightly, his head tilted on Jae Shin’s shoulder.  
Some hairs had strayed from Yong Ha's braid and was framing his face, some of them falling on his cheek and before Jae Shin knew what he was doing he was brushing them away, lightly touching Yong Ha's cheek in the process whispering out the words that were itching to be said.

**“From now on you must always stay in my sight. I thought I was going insane.”**

“...and thank you, Gu Yong Ha.” Then before his mind had a chance to react he leant over Yong Ha's face and ever so gently touched his soft lips with his own. A moment later, as he leant back against the tree with burning cheeks, throbbing lips and his heart beating away, he thought of all the things he wanted to tell Yong Ha.

_“...then what am I to you...”_

“but later...when Yong Ha is better, I will say them...”

 

_For to give your life for what you believe in, for who you believe in, was not any longer empty words.  
It was a gift.  
And just like it can only be given in love, it can only be received the same. _

_With equal love._


End file.
